Thank You

I was a little scared that I

Was a little tired of life

But now Im getting better

Every single day

I had it all figured out

Till he knocked me up and out

And then I broke down

In every single way

I thought it was over

My thoughts were never sober

Until I met you

And you cleared my way

♥

New Schools

Are scary.

I'm trying to think of the worst possible scenarios.

Like, I could spend an hour in the wrong classroom.

Or show up an hour late.

Or bend over to pick up a pencil and fart.

Terrifying.

Or everybody could hate me.

Or they could love me so much that they suffocate me with their hugs.

Or the teachers could hate me.

And give me extra homework until my brain falls out of my eyes.

Horrible.

Or they could be brainwashers,

and make me eat the cafeteria food, which is drugged.

I'm bringing my own lunch.

And multiple pencils.

And I'll hold my head up like my nose is bleeding,

so my brains can't fall out of my eyes.

Anxxty

Like someone's ripping out your heart

And serving it on a platter

Like your letting go of life

And nothing really matters

Like something's tearing through your mind

And you can't keep it quiet

Like you just want to put up a sign

If you break it you gotta buy it
You try to lay down

You try to take a nap

But all of these thoughts

Keep running through your head

You want'em to go away

But the emptiness is harder

You're begging for company

But you've nothing left to barter

Dear Dad,

This is the only way I really feel comfortable doing this.

I know that you enjoy more than ciggarettes,

I know that you have for awhile.

I know probably a bit more than you think.

I have felt torn for the past few months,

I didn't know whether or not I wanted to give up on you.

I considered going on as normal until the wedding,

and then just stop talking to you.

But I can't do that.

I love you.

I know that you could be a better dad,

you know that you could be a better dad.

But I also know that you could be worse.

And, I'm starting to understand you a little bit.

I'm not saying that I accept what you've done,

or even what you do.

But I accept you.

We might not ever be as close as we used to be,

I might not ever really be comfortable telling you everything.

But you are my dad.

And nobody could ever take your place.

You're not perfect, and no,

I don't want to be like you when I grow up.

But I still want to be your little girl.

There are alot of things that you really don't know about me,

or at least, I don't think you do.

But please don't be shocked if you find out.

I'm hoping you read this, you say you do.

Please don't call me about it,

actually, don't bring it up at all.

I'm telling you, but I don't want a conversation over.

I don't want to talk about it,

not now anyways.

Episodes

They go away every summer,
And they come back with the school year.
I can feel myself slipping,
And I'm fighting it harder than I ever have.

It's like fighting yourself.
Constantly trying to get yourself in a better mood,
Screening your thoughts and,
When a bad one occurs,
Doing everything you can to keep them from spiraling.

It's like some little voice inside of you,
Is making everything so much worse than it really is.
Making you worry,
Telling you to trust nobody,
Not even yourself.

That nobody loves you.
Nobody could.
And every ounce of unhappiness in your life is entirely your fault.
Telling you that you're an ungrateful selfish bitch.

And eventually, that nothing matters anymore.
It's not worth it,
It's not worth the fight.

But I'm not tired of fighting yet,
no, not yet.

To you,

Who left me.

What I wish I could tell you,

how much I wish I could be as close to you

as I used to be.

What I've done in the past year,

what I've been through,

you have no idea.

I've never been through so much pain in my life.

I've never thought I would actually regret something,

but then I never actually thought this would happen.

It's not your fault.

It never was your fault.

I love you still,

but please,

excuse me if we're never the same.

I ain't your little girl anymore,

and after all that's happened,

there's no going back.

If You Don't

If you don't find her beautiful,

you need to get your eyes checked.

If you don't find her willing,

your perception's a little off.

If you don't find her brilliant,

I would love to see your scores.

If you don't find her worth it,

I'd love to hear of your whores.

If you don't find her kind,

your hearts a little too frozen.

If you don't find her yours,

you must have mischozen.

So I've Discovered;

I'm not nearly as afraid of spiders as I thought I was.

Though, I'm still convinced that they will probably kill me, 

I no longer go into panic attack mode and stare blankly at a wall for

half an hour or so just because I, say,

find one of them crawling on my neck. Charming, I know.

I've also discovered that being fifteen and a hopeless romantic will

not only get you nowhere in life, but while 

you're going nowhere you probably won't be very happy doing it.

And that also, seemingly the happiest people in the world are some of the

most selfish, because in some way that I cannot seem to comprehend,

making your own happiness a larger priority than other's,

actually makes some people happy.

I guess I'm forever destined to be the unhappy hopeless romantic

who will someday be killed by a spider bite.

When

You can see the moon in the day,

and the stars at twilight.

When the world's become so quiet you can hear the sun.

When your imagination can run as free

as the little buggies in the grass,

that's when paradise starts looking

less like the ocean,

and more like home.

I've Been Thinking About It,

Because I know I'm never going to forget it,

and it bugs the shit outta me.

You probably don't even care,

no, it probably never even crosses your mind.

I'm not being immature, or emotional.

I'm being real.

It hurts,

I mean what happened,

it hurts.

It hurts to think about,

And even though it might not be a big deal to you,

it's a huge deal to me.

And I've said sorry so many times,

so many times I shouldn't have....

You never apologized.

Dear You,

I'm sick of being hurt.

And I'm sick of trying to convince you of what I'm not.

You've made up your mind to hate me,

and as far I'm concerned,

there's nothing I can do to change that.

I'm not in love with you anymore,

I still love you,

I mean I always will love you,

but I'm not in love with you,

and I never will be again.

You've done things I can't forgive you for,

and I've done things you can't forgive me for.

It is what it is.

So say what you want, and do what you do.

I'll pray every night that life's good to you.

Always A Person

People are terrible.

Which doesn't make much sense to me.

Because every individual person is a good,

and amazing individual.

But when you turn a person into people,

they turn terrible.

Which is why,

I am determined to always be a person,

and never a people.

Because I don't want to be terrible.

And I like to think for myself.

Surprising, huh?

How Not To Behave At A Funeral

• DO NOT try to turn the entire family against the widow/widower over the will.
• DO NOT rip pictures off of the funeral collages. NOT CLASSY.
• DO NOT sneak out to the truck after the ceremony to have a drink. :D
• DO NOT mention to the pastor that you didn't really know much about the guy except that he had a temper. They don't tend to like that.
• DO NOT get up to share a story, and then just start talking to one person in general. We're all terribly sad and in mourning, but we don't have the TIME!
• DO NOT give the widower's trailer park trashy daughter evil looks, and get caught.
• DO NOT restrict your family members to one hug.
• DO NOT share your opinions about anyone if you have only been in the family for less than one year. YOU HAVEN'T EARNED THE RIGHT TO VOICE THEM YET.
• DO NOT get up and dance to the songs the deceased has picked out. I've been informed that this is innapropriate. Take it up with my cousin.
• DO NOT take anybody seriously. They're hurt, they're going to act idiotically. Take it all with a grain of salt, and maybe a shot of liquor.

School Shootings

There was supposed to be a school shooting at my school today.

Guns.

Dead people.

At my school.

Don't get me wrong,

we've gone through lockdowns and rumors before,

but this was scarier.

I mean, of course there wasn't a shooting,

but alot of kids were freaked out.

It's really sad that our society

has gone so down hill,

that we can't even trust the people

we go to school with.

Our youth, our generation,

is the future.

But at the rate we're going now,

the future's going to be much,

much worse than the present.

Maybe our parents have screwed up
the world, but its our responsibility
to make it right again.

I say we give it a shot.

Take The Individuality Challenge

In Honor Of Lawrence King

On February 12 2008 a fifteen year old Lawrence King

was shot in the head in a computer class

because he was openly gay.

On March 18 2007 a 17 year old Catholic school girl

was brutally beaten and left blood stained on a bus

because she looked Chinese.

In 2006, there were at least 7,722 hate crimes committed.

A hate crime is basically a wrong commited against
somebody just because
they are different.

How many of you take pride in what makes you different?

It makes you unique.

It makes you who you are.


All people deserve respect.
All people.
Before you judge somebody to the point of
laying your hands on them,
think about how many faults you have.
Think about how you would
want to be treated if the tables were turned.


I'm challenging you,
to take pride in your differences,

and to admire other people for theirs.
Because if everybody was the same,
this world would be extremely boring.

Visual Misconception

Beauty does not bring you power, confidence, or happiness.
It's entirely the other way around.
How you carry yourself, and how you act makes you beautiful.
Confident, powerful, happy people are truly beautiful.
You're always going to see the people who make you the happieset,
as the most beautiful people in your life.
It has completely nothing to do with the way you look.
It's the way you make others feel.
If you want to know how beautiful you really are,
don't go to the mirror.
Go to the people you love.
They will give you a better reflection of yourself than a polished piece of glass.
I promise.

Our Bite Of The Apple

Drugs or overeating or alcohol or sex, it was all just another way to find peace. To escape what we know. Our education. Our bite of the apple.

CHUCK PALAHNIUK, Choke

My Aspiring Poet of A Cousin;

"The only people who can fully embrace life are the ones who can accept death."

-Jackson Wojciechowski

"someone asked me how many times i've cried
so i said "too many, but i now understand what being sad is.

i have learned one emotion so now can embrace other emotions"

-Jackson W.

Take The Beauty Challenge.

Fear of being overweight is the 1 reason for girls to consider suicide.

What you see in magazines,
it's not real.
It's, airbrushing and angles,
professional hair and makeup,
expensive clothes and stylists.

The models everyone ideals?
They don't even look like that all the time.

Don't compare yourselves to them.
Honestly, if you wish you looked like that?
You might as well wish you were a unicorn.
'Cuz it's not gonna happen.

REAL people do not look like that.
Real BEAUTIFUL people do not look like that.

Every one has faults,
even the most beautiful women in the world.

You gotta learn to love your faults,
and your body.

You are the prettiest you out there.
And you always will be.

There's no use comparing yourself to a computer generated image.

Okay, so to the main point.
I'm challenging everyone who reads this
to redefine their definition of beauty.

Let's make it something believable,
achievable,
and, well,
beautiful.

Never Grow Up

"The most mature people I know,

are the ones who decided to never grow up."

-rara

Happiness Hides

This is My Happiness:

He likes to hide.

And then I have to get my butt up and go look for him.

It's kinda annoying.

o_0

Best Friend

when the boys tried to lay me down
and break my heart
you broke their face
and when my world was going wrong
falling apart
you were my grace
You're My Best Friend

-Rara

Anxiety

Anxiety: an unpleasant, emotional state that involves a complex combination of emotions that include fear, apprehension, and worry. It is often accompanied by physical sensations such as heart palpitations, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, or tension headache.

-Wikipedia

Approximately 15 million American adults have

Generalized Anxiety Disorder in a current year.

-National Institute of Mental Health

Depression and anxiety

go hand in hand.

They both suck.

Equally.

But they're both fixable.

Trust me,

it's not

the end of the

world.

About Me

This is the truth,

the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth.

My whole name is

Rachel Jane Morrison Steinmetz Factor.

Morrison is my official last name.

Steinmetz is my dad's last name.

Factor is my mom's.

I live with my mom and my stepdad.

My dad lives in California.

I have a problem with that.

I'm a buddhist.

No I don't worship buddha.

Yes, I do meditate.

This year has been hard on me.

I've never gone through so much in my entire life.

And it's all happened.

In one year.

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

I think differently.

Actually, it's pretty common.

Some people even go their whole lives

never knowing.

I have a knack for codepedency.

Anxiety.

Anxiety attacks.

And episodes of manic depression.

I have a major fetish with not breaking promises.

And not making people feel bad

I would do anything for the people I care about.

And I'm not just saying that.

Sometimes,

I'm so protective of the people I love

I end up hurting them,

instead of helping.

I have big, undefined dreams.

I don't know what they are yet.

But they're big.

Honestly?

I'm a mess.

But I'm the most put-together mess

you will ever meet.

Codependency

"Life's not worth Living,
unless you're giving."

I have always lived my life
to make other people happy.
And there's a term for that,
it's called codependency.
The one thing that can tear me
apart, is to see the people I
love hurt.
What I never knew,
being codependent on somebody?

It actually hurts them more than
it helps.
I couldn't control my own life,
so in some wierd, perverse way,
I was trying to control theirs.
If they were happy, then so was I.
So now, I'm not codependent anymore.
I have to make decisions for myself.
I have to go after what I want.
And this?

This is the scariest thing I have ever done,
ever,
in my entire life.

What Love Means

When I say I love you

I'm not expressing a feeling.

I'm making a promise.

I am telling you that for as long

as we both shall live

I will always be there for you.

I will always care about you.

I will always be a shoulder to cry on.

I will always try to understand you.

I will never judge you.

And that no matter how much you change

I will always love you for the person

I know you are.

Because even if your personality changes,

your heart never will.

Sex

Learn more about PETA's ABC campaign at PETA.org.

At the End of the Tunnel

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Even if you can't always see it.

When you seem like you're going through

the hardest times in your life.

You have to remember that it will eventually

get better. It will probably get worse again.

But it will always get better.

And if you go through a time when you

can't see the light, just ask somebody

to hold up a flashlight. :)

So, I've Decided

That Valentine's Day just needs to die.

It's just another stupid holiday that people invented

for an excuse to make up stupid superstitions and

get people to believe them.

For example, did you know that it used to be the first man

you saw on valentines day would be the one you married?

(outside of your family)

So, if you saw the village idiot,

well then, you are S.O.L.

Or the other one,

if you wake up and see a black bird you will

marry a rich man.

If you see a bluebird you will marry a poorman.

Well, I woke up this morning to a fourteen year

old overweight dauchsand.

What does this mean?!?!

Will I marry an overweight German who is close to death

and likes to chase squirrels?

seriously.

Yah, and they don't even know for sure who Saint Valentine even was!

You guys are celebrating somebody you know nothing about!

If Valentine's Day ever truly had a non-bullshit reason for existing,

it was most definitely lost in translation a lonnng time ago.

And even if you aren't single, you still have to go through all the

stress and shit of getting somebody a gift,

and,

lets face it,

no matter how much you love them,

it is still pretty much fucking impossible to pick something

out that somebody of the opposite sex is going to like

unless they tell you.

So this, my friends, is why Valentine's Day is a load of crap,

and should go crawl in a hole and die.

:)

Holidays

Yay for Holidays!

My Eyes

They get me into so much trouble...

They tell me to eat more than my stomach can hold.

They tell me he's cute...

But not wether or not he will hurt me.

They tell me to undertake things

I could never finish...

Because it looks like less than it is.

Yeah, my eyes like to lie to me...

Maybe I should stop listening to them.

Holding On

We hold on to so much.

We hold on to our memories,

our friends,

and our enemies.

We hold on to our valubles,

pictures,

and recycleables.

We hold on to grudges,

and fears,

and concerns.

We don't learn our lessons,

we just roll with it,

we don't learn.

Look back on your life,

the chance you could take,

if you can only let go,

of your past mistakes.

Mad

i dont get mad.

because i know how stupid mad is.

mad blinds you.

mad covers up what you are really thinking.

mad makes you feel strong.

mad makes you make decisions that you wouldn't otherwise make.

mad hates.

mad lies.

mad cannot remember not being mad.

mad does not care.

mad does not think.

mad just does.

mad doesn't plan ahead and

mad doesn't put itself in other's shoes.

mad is alone.

mad is not happy.

mad is to do things that you will regret.

mad is to do things that compromise who you really are.

mad is to not be yourself.

mad is to not be really strong,

mad is when you let something stupid, like

mad, control you.

i don't get mad.

because i know how stupid mad is.

and because that's just not who i am.

-rara

Sometimes...

"Sometimes...my heart hurts so bad

i almost throw up. Is that normal?"

I love hot cocoa and being with friends.

Sometimes I love rasberry tea and being alone.

Sometimes I love having to wake up at five in the

morning to go to school.

And sometimes I hate it.

Sometimes I'll make up my mind to do something

and then sometimes I'll change it.

Sometimes I'll dance around my room with my ipod,

and sometimes I'll just hide under the covers.

Ahh, but all the times?

Yep yep, I'm just being me.

Road

Sometimes I want to get out on the road and just drive.

Drive away from everything and everyone and never stop.

Singing old rock and country songs at the top of my lungs

and not caring if the people in the cars next to me stare.

Analytical-Persuasive Essay

So I have a new Language Arts project.

I have to write an analytical-persuasive essay.

Supposedly, the only two topics we can't

touch in our essays are abortion and religion.

So I think I'm going to write mine about the

unhealthy vision of beauty in our society.

I think I'll make it simple, start it off with a

bang, and just kill barbie.

:)

Music

"Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes

I can barely define the shape of this moment in time

And far from flying high in clear blue skies

I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide."

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?

-Final Cut

Pink Floyd

Time

we all have good times.

we all have bad times.

we all have boring times.

exciting times.

productive times.

lazy times.

you could go on forever.

but when everything seems gone,

just remember,

you'll always have time.

and time takes pain away

better than any pills i know of.

Hello Dolly

"Eighty percent of the people in the world are fools

and the rest of us are in danger of contamination."

"A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

You mean an apple a day.

Who ever heard of a doctor slipping on an apple peel?"

"I've lost everything: my job, my future,

everything people *think* is important, but I don't care -

because even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life,

I shall be a ditch-digger who once had a wonderful day."

"I've never touched a woman before.

You still haven't. That's my corset."

"I don't mind that you never finish your lunch,

but I do mind that you never finish your sentences."

No Such Thing

there is no such thing as a bad person

people just think differently.

some people don't see things as clear as others.

and its harder for some people to feel guilty.

some people are mislead,

some people have been wronged,

and there is no one to help them.

but everyone has a good heart.

people make bad decisions,

but it's always with good intention.

adolf hitler, saddam hussein, osama bin laden

george bush, benedict arnold, voldemort

there all good in the end.

they just don't think clearly.

and their mistakes are bigger than ours.

Twenty

Alright, so there was this teacher-dude, right?

And he was a goooood teacher dude.

And this is how he started one of his classes:

He held up a twenty dollar bill and asked his class,

"Who wants this twenty dollar bill?"

Well, people's hands went up.

Then he says, "Well, I will give one of you this twenty

dollar bill, but first, let me do this to it."

Then he crumpled up the money, and asked.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Nobody put down there hand.

Then this teacher-dude threw the money on the floor,

and ground it into the dirtieness with his toe.

And asked, "Now who wants it?"

Nobody put down there hand.

He said,

"You still want the money, because no matter

what I did to it, the value was the same.

Each of us has been crumpled up and ground

into the dirty ground in our lives, but to the

people who love us, we are still priceless.

We never lose our value."

^^That? That changed my life.

Dice

It doesn't matter who,

when, or where...

you can always use

a hug.

I've always wanted to be something 'against all odds'.

'Smart against all odds'. 'Successfull against all odds'.

So I could say, "Yeah, thats how good I am. And you

should be proud of me. Against all odds, I was still

that."

I've decided on

"Happy against all odds."

I think it kinda has a certain ring to it.

happy pills

I am sorry.

And I understand.

If there were anything I could do

to make it better, trust me, I would.

But I can't.

Just know that I am trying.

2007

Misperception

That was one of the most idiotic,

stupid things I have ever done.

Let's do it again!